Impostor Syndrome

On today’s episode of
“Am I A Fraud or A Prodigy at Work?”

A project is being handed to you, it’s new, it’s exciting, and little did you know that project will define your entire career.
That project is being associated to you as a person, so that no matter in what division you move to, it follows you.
Fortunately, or unfortunately, this project is kept rolling and rolling, phase after phase, and getting more and more attention from the management.
Deep in your heart you knew someone else is more capable and suitable to lead that project, but it was handed to you first so its yours. All the next phase is yours.
You are grateful, because this is your chance to be aย rising star. But secretly, you are afraid people will find out that you’re stupid.
Then you start to wonder whether the bosses overestimate you or that you’ve been underestimating yourself.
You start getting high KPIs, but you can’t lie to yourself that most of your time you spent by being lazy and idle.

Apparently this is pretty common and even has a name. Stupid of me to think I might be the only one feeling it. It’s called Impostor Syndrome.

Oh what a relief. A negative voice in my head had a name #impostorsyndrome

Advertisements

Remember the Money that Make Us All Feel Small?

Today a bunch of relatives came. Talk, laugh, friendly argument, and they headed home after a few hours, but not before they thrusted few hundred thousands rupiah onto my father’s refusing arm. And the old man break into tears.

Honestly – though I know it may sounds cruel coming from a daughter’s mouth – him crying is hardly a rare sight. He cried every now and then, from self-pity more often then not, blaming everyone but himself and take all the misery credit for himself.

I can’t really see us, our condition, as pitiful. Sure we don’t have car nor house here in Jakarta, but it could have been worse, right? At least I have a job that paid well, at least my brother finished his study early and landed a job that can at least pay for himself, at least my sister is smart enough to get into free public school and even came 3rd in her class, at least the family is all together under one roof, no?

Apparently not. Just a few weeks ago in one of his anger outburst -and crying, see- he said that he is damned to be near us when he is this poor. Damned? DAMNED? It’s not like we ask for it too, you know!

Sure he doesn’t mean it. What’s that matter?The words is out and it hurts.

We never complain once, he should be thankful. All these was due to his poor judgement and ambition towards power. It’s because of him and him only that he and my mom was driven out from their own hometown and can’t even go back. It’s all him that we have to live like nomaden here in Jakarta these past 3 years. It’s all him that my mother has to work her ass off in her old days as a caterer while he’s laying around all day, daydreaming about power and faking about being a spiritual person.

Trust me I know what I’m saying when I told you his new found spiritualism is bullshit. He always hates spiritual people.

Were he thinking about us, about our well-being, when he made that judgement, that decision? I bet he didn’t.

He never once credited my contribution to this family either. Do I want to be credited? I don’t know. But the fact that he never did make me feel like it is casual that I suddenly become the backbone of this family’s economic needs. It angered me that he put this burden on my back and never even say anything about it. Of course saying something is like admiting he received help and god knows that will kill him.

His words to me after receiving those money though, was “I hope it was you that giving me these money” and I can’t bit back a retort “It’s not like I never give you any, I give money every month” to help pay rent, electricity, even groceries. His words just feels like he dismiss all that. As if I never help at all. I know he’s not meant it to be mean or what, he’s just lack of tact towards other people’s feeling. Or maybe that little girl -the one who longing for her father’s approval, the one who although always better, will always be less loved than his brother, probably because she’s a girl. That one girl that came first on Karate tournament only to find her father’s disappointed face because her brother didn’t make it, even though she did*- maybe that little girl is still in me, somewhere. Or maybe I am just being too sensitive.

Because to be honest, that money hurts me as much as it hurts him.

For the first time I see what they must have seen. My father the almighty, now is just poor old man living in regrets. It is sadden me and angered me at the same time. It makes me sad because how could I let that happen to my father? To our family? And it angered me because, how dare he become weak and pitiful?

And for the first time in 3 years, I’m crying over our poverty.

*Funny story about me, my brother and father.

My father constant disappointment towards my brother make him hate father. Because whatever he acchieved will just never be enough to him.

My father constant disappointment towards my brother make me hate father. Because whatever I acchieved will just never be matters to him.

Jo & Laurie, the One that Could Have Been

Jo and Laurie was the kind of relationship you would have with your high school sweetheart. That crazy passionate first loveย with a lot of sparks and sweet memory of fight and make up.
I don’t believe for a second that Jo’s love for Laurie only a brotherly kind of love. But I also don’t believe for a secondย that their marriage will be a peaceful marriage.
Still, I wish they at least try. Jo following his head is so unlike Jo. Jo so cold-hearted cold-headedly refuse Laurie acheย my heart. And because they never did (marry), I think Laurie will always, always have feeling for Jo, because it is never resolved.

They will think of each other as the one that could have been, and every time they do (think of each other), it will ache their heart a little. Only a little, not enough to ruin they new-found happiness in their own partner, but they will.

That’s what I think.

Pahawang Trip

Total Spend: 500k IDR

Follow my trip on instagram @ndiethesmartass #IndiPahawangTrip2016 #ndiethesmartasstrip

photo_2016-03-03_13-13-44.jpg

Destination:

1. Gosongan
2. Tanjung putus
3. Taman bawah laut pahawang
4. Pahawang besar dan kecil
5. Kelagian besar dan kecil
6. Mahitem

Rambling On: Manner

*Alohaa Ainaaaaa~

*Actually Aloha Aina itu nama restoran di Bandung, and for some times during my college years gue selalu bilang Halo pake Aloha Aina. Ga penting sih info ini, in case lo wondering aja kenapa gue menyapa pake Aloha Aina. Ga ada yang wondering juga sih kali ya, belom tentu juga ini blog ada yang baca. #ngok

Anyhooo, back to topic.

Sore ini gue mau ngomel ngomel masalah manner. Kenapa manner? Karena gue baru di telfon sama orang, yang ga akrab dan even gue suspect dia agak ga suka sama gue (atau malah sebaliknya? Yah, timbal balik sih sebenernya), yang mau minta tolong sama gue, dan dia ga pake salam, hanya menyebut nama gue dan langsung nyerocos aja gitu minta ini itu.

Ga tau kenapa gue kesel banget aja jadinya. Disatu sisi bisa jadi karena si mutual hate itu tadi, bisa juga karena nada suara dia yang ga enak. Piye sih Mba, kowe itu minta tolong lohhh posisinya, grrmblgrrmbl. Bahkan gue sengaja ngucapin “Halo Mba” beberapa kali, tapi dia ga ngeh juga bahkan ga membalas halonya gue. Hih.

Gue kadang ga paham sama orang kaya gitu. Disatu sisi agama lo baik, liat cewe ngerokok sensi, liat cewe rok pendek benci, liat cewe dandan menor mencibir, tapi STANDARD MANNER aja lo GA PAHAM!

Mungkin lo harus banyak banyak dengerin lagu Black Eyed Peas, Mba.

Nih ya gue kasi tau, khususon (ini bahasa yang sering dia pake) Mba Mba yang tadi soreย nelfon gue.

MANNER 101

Ketika kita menelfon orang, ucapkanlahย SALAM.

Yang termasuk dalam kategori Salam: Assalamualaikum, Hi, Hello, Selamat Pagi/Siang/Sore/Malam, dan kata sapaan yang setingkat dengan yang sudah disebutkan.

[ Nama orang yang di telfon ] TIDAK TERMASUK Salam.

Pengecualian: Teman/rekan yang ikrib, atau jika telfon itu sudah iterasi ke-2 dari serangkaian telfon.

Kalo lo, iya elo, mba-mba-yang-nelfon-gue-tadi-sore belom teryakinkan juga kalo mengucap salam itu penting, nih gue lampirkan berikut di bawah dalil agama yang tentang hukum mengucap salam.

Udah segitu aja mere mere sore ini. Mhihihi. Daah neeek.

KTHXBY.

Copasย dari sini.

Dari Abu Hurairah radhiyallahu ‘anhu, Nabi shallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda,

ุฅูุฐูŽุง ุงู†ู’ุชูŽู‡ูŽู‰ ุฃูŽุญูŽุฏููƒูู…ู’ ุฅูู„ูŽู‰ ุงู„ู’ู…ูŽุฌู’ู„ูุณู ููŽู„ู’ูŠูุณูŽู„ู‘ูู…ู’ ููŽุฅูุฐูŽุง ุฃูŽุฑูŽุงุฏูŽ ุฃูŽู†ู’ ูŠูŽู‚ููˆู…ูŽ ููŽู„ู’ูŠูุณูŽู„ู‘ูู…ู’ ููŽู„ูŽูŠู’ุณูŽุชู’ ุงู„ู’ุฃููˆู„ูŽู‰ ุจูุฃูŽุญูŽู‚ู‘ูŽ ู…ูู†ู’ ุงู„ู’ุขุฎูุฑูŽุฉู

โ€œApabila salah seorang kalian sampai di suatu majlis hendaklah memberikan salam. Dan apabila hendak keluar, hendaklah memberikan salam. Dan tidaklah (salam) yang pertama lebih berhak daripada (salam) yang kedua.โ€ (HR. Abu Daud dan al-Tirmidzi serta yang lainnyaย  Hasan shahih).โ€ Maknanya, kedua-duanya adalah benar dan sunnah.

 

Dari Abu Hurairah radliyallaahu ‘anhu berkata, aku mendengar Nabi shallallaahu ‘alaihi wasallam bersabda,

ุญูŽู‚ู‘ู ุงู„ู’ู…ูุณู’ู„ูู…ู ุนูŽู„ูŽู‰ ุงู„ู’ู…ูุณู’ู„ูู…ู ุณูุชู‘ูŒ : ุฅุฐูŽุง ู„ูŽู‚ููŠุชู‡ ููŽุณูŽู„ู‘ูู…ู’ ุนูŽู„ูŽูŠู’ู‡ู ุŒ ูˆูŽุฅูุฐูŽุง ุฏูŽุนูŽุงูƒ ููŽุฃูŽุฌูุจู’ู‡ู

โ€œHak muslim atas muslim lainnya ada enam: apabila engkau bertemu dengannya maka ucapkan salam, apabila dia mengundangmu maka penuhilah undangannya, . . . .โ€ (HR. Muslim)