A Letter to My Beloved Father

I miss you father..

I really wish I was your little girl that you hold tight in your arm. Your little girl that make you laugh. Your little girl that you’re proud of. You know, I miss talking to you without worry that I will disappoint you at some point. I miss you, but yet I’m afraid meeting you. Maybe you should show me that you will love me no matter what, maybe only by that I could rise again.

I embarrass admitting to you that I’m actually sad that I can’t make you proud. Instead I’m mad at you to fake what I really feel, I bet you don’t even know I am that kind of person, do you? Yes, I am that kind of person. I always fake what I really feel. If I’m worried I pretend I don’t care. If I’m sad I’m pretend that I’m mad. I need your guidance, father. Guidance without judgement.

Maybe you should tell me you love me when you call, instead of always asking what I’m gonna do next in my life. That’s why I barely pick up your phone, because I’m afraid I don’t have the answer that will please you. I’m afraid and I’m confuse. I wish I have you to cry on. I wish I can tell you this. But I can’t, because you will judge. I  can’t because you will sad. I can’t because you will disappointed. Where should I go, father, if I can’t go to you? I’m lost, and you’re not here to guide me.

I know you always try to give me the best that you could. The best milk, the best food, the best school, the best of everything. Shame on me I couldn’t give you my best effort. Maybe I should just die so I burden you no more. I want to sleep next to you tonight, like I always did when I was little. When you taught me about life before I slept in the simplest way possible.

I can’t believe I’m about to turn 19. I’m not ready, father.. Why can’t I be your little daughter forever?

I miss you father, I really do..


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